about death.

So, about five/six years ago I had a forum I check every single day. The name's Lautan Indonesia. I joined a Supernatural fanfiction topic (as it was one of the first tv shows I watched because it was aired at Trans 7 I think?) and basically spammed the topic everyday. In that topic I gained quite a lot of friends, many who I do not know whether they're still living their life to the fullest or not right now as I'm writing this, although I was significantly younger than their youngest. I believe I was 9 or 10 at that time, although I lied about my age due to my own shame.

Well, I'm not talking about the old me on here, because I know how embarrassing I was. The thing was, I was strolling through Google today and I found myself wanting to check the topics I used to check so loyally. So I typed in the forum's name, and there I found myself back on the forums I basically dedicated my daily life into five years ago, the only difference is I'm older and most of the topics was outdated for months, even the Final Destination fic that everyone hyped about back then (including me).

I was opening that Final Destination topic-- I was on the first page, and I scrolled down. My eyes caught someone's account, and I found myself recognizing the account. Not that I forgotten a good lot of it. I still remember the nicest one, the most funny; but the significance of that one account is I remember that when I was active on the forum five/six years ago, I woke up one morning, opened the topic, and was greeted by the news that she was dead.

It didn't hit me that hard back then. Although I talked to her a lot of times, maybe because I was still a kid, I didn't really think about it, didn't feel sad, but I posted a post of sympathy and that was enough, right? It was only an occurrence in my life, a stranger on the internet I didn't even know well, whose interest matched mine... it didn't really matter, right? Looking back now, I would have slapped the fuck out of myself. This 'stranger on the internet' was a living person, someone who breathed out carbon dioxide, just like me. Someone with family and soul and maybe unrequited loves--but I'm just a child, after all.

It was just for one day. And then I moved on, forgotten about it, as soon as I found new interests (in form of RP forums), fallen in love with someone, led a new life which didn't include that forum, but today, when I found myself staring at that account-- ("I'm 19 now!" was written at the account) I felt really sad. Like really. The kind of sad that hurt your abdomen. The kind of sad that rips your heart apart in silence. And no kidding. I was serious. I was feeling sad about someone's death, someone who had already gone about six years ago, some 'stranger on the internet'.

I'm suddenly overwhelmed, by the fact that this person, someone who touched my life, albeit briefly, had been gone for six years or so, and I hadn't thought of her for that long time. I'm suddenly overwhelmed by the fact that even if your time stopped, even if your age stopped adding and you stopped existing, the world went on. For five years, she had been nothing but forgotten memory. And it's almost sad, to think that someday, all of us are only going to be that, period. I'm writing this, so I can remember her. So I won't forget as easy. When I read this post, I would think.

When I die, I want to be remembered. I don't want to be forgotten.

Rest in peace, iab. I'll make sure I won't forget you again.